Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
