letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
