Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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