I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
What happened to fro yo and sex?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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