Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Randomize
