im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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