im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize