Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
