I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
