How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
