it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
