I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
