For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
