Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
