No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
