I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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