you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
