someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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