i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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