We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
