I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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