No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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