Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way