Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
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you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
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Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.