stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories