Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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