one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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