Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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