Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
