I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
