Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We don't watch enough power rangers
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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