Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
