the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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