Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
