One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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