i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
