Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
