He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
