i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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