It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
