She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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