tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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