It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Randomize
