The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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