if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
