Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
