I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Randomize
