That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
