what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
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We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
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You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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