TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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