Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
