I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
