I will die if light touches me.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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