My girlfriend figured out who you are.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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