Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Come share oat with me in your robe
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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